Hark how Kerbies
Blazing Kerbies
All seem to say
Feed me today
Winter's not here
Time for good cheer
Throughout the store
There's growth galore
Feed me, feed me,
Eat all they see
We are starving
All them do sing
Entities hear
Sizzle and sear
Feasting and song
Harvest is long
Countless feet pound
Deafening sound
In every aisle
Mile after mile
To join the meal
That was the deal
Endless good cheer
Winter's not here
Merry, merry, merry, not winter
Merry, merry, mery not winter
No time to stop
Here in this shop
All things in bloom
No pause, no gloom
Emporium, Emporium
Winter's not here
Time for good cheer
Throughout the store
There's growth galore
Feed me, feed me,
Eat all they see
We are starving
All them do sing
Merry, merry, merry, not winter
Merry, merry, mery not winter
Emporium, Emporium!
A popular Unwinter carol sung by the Mychorus
Season’s Greetings!
Wondering how to celebrate this Unwinter at Emporium? Why not head down to the Empty Vessel for The Feast That Never Stops, or stop by the Atrium and put a subcritical Kerbie atop one of the Balsem Chirry Trees and help bring a little light to these brisk days? In the Grow Zone you can take a walk through the Unwintery wonderland of our lawns of carefully cultivated Frostmatt, or pick a crisp Hopple for yourself from the Orchards. Then, round out your Season by listening to the carols of the Mychorus 1) with a warm mug of Honeynog.
And remember: no rest, no pause, keep moving, never stop.
- A Brochure for Unwinter events in Emporium
Rain falls heavily against the windows of the burrow. The wind howls through the trees. The fury of the storm has sent every creature crawling back to the darkness they call home. Somewhere safe. Not in the grayscale grandeur of this hole though. No one is safe here. Not until the killer is found.
Inspector Badger looks between the suspects gathered before them. The Vixen. A knowing smile upon her lips as she puts her cigarette holder aside to blow a smoky kiss. Her kit. Little more than a child looking nervously about the party: surely they have no place in this company? Major Wildcat. A tough old bastard: after facing the horrors of war, killing must come naturally. Finally, the young Miss Stoat. In good spirits for such dire circumstances.
Each and everyone had a reason to want Mr Squirrel gone.
Each and every one had the means to make it happen.
‘Mmm, darling, I’m a busy businessfox, could we be on with this?’ The Vixen coos.
Inspector Badger clears their throat brusquely. ‘I’m sorry to disturb you all this evening, but I have called you all here because there is a murderer among us.’
Lightning flashes through the windows, followed by a long low peel of thunder. Even the heavens seem to be hanging on the Inspector’s words.
Miss Stoat laughs chiperly: ‘We’re all predators here. We’ve all bloodied our teeth.’
Inspector Badger grimaces. ‘Be that as it may, we have reason to believe there is a rather more sinister motivation at work than survival. Mr Squirrel had recently run into rather fabulous good fortune.’
They pull a small Heliograph of what appears to be a small Eagle from their pocket. ‘Mr Squirrel was, as you all know, a lifelong collector, and recently The Emporian Eagle, a statuette of unclear origin and incalculable value, entered their collection. Now, the statue's missing. Mr Squirrel was killed in the room it was displayed in. A coincidence?’
Inspector Badgers passes the heliograph around for inspection, carefully observing each of the gathered creatures in turn as they take it: ‘Each and every one of you was in the room at some time that fateful evening, your scents confirm as much.’
‘It was a party! And we were hardly the only ones!’ Major Wildcat pipes up.
‘True, true. You are simply the only ones who can't pony up an alibi.’
Major Wildcat grumbled unhappily.
‘Mmm this is delightful,’ the Vixen smiles hungrily. ‘You are lucky it wasn’t me though, Badger darling, otherwise you’d never find your killer.’
Badger tugs at their collar awkwardly. ‘Mmm, quite.’
‘Mmm, I assume you know who did it by now, Badger Darling,’ the Vixen continues, more thoughtfully.
Inspector Badger nod solemnly. ‘Indeed. It was all rather unclear. That is, until I showed you that heliograph.’
‘Cor, you were reading our expressions then?’ Miss Stoat exclaims.
‘I’m afraid not. I was not watching your faces, but your claws. You see, Miss Stoat, predators are not the only ones to bloody their teeth … not in a fight for their life. Mr Squirrel took a piece of his attacker with him … isn’t that right Major Wildcat?’
The major hastily tucks his paw away.
‘I just cut myself is all.’
‘Squirrels have a really very distinctive bite, major. If you make me examine it, I will.’
The Major blanches.
‘Look! It isn’t what you think! Yes we had our differences, but I wasn’t in my right mind, I’d had a touch of the ‘nip! It was all a blur! I would never!’
Inspector Badger shakes their head.
‘Please, Major. Don’t make this any more difficult. I have two officers waiting outside. You can go to meet them, or I can call them in here. It is your choice.’
The Major looks about the assembled diners stiffly, before leaving their chair. ‘Good … evening, everyone’
After the Major has left, the good Inspector turns back to the assembled animals.
‘I am sorry that all of you have had your evenings disturbed for this. I hope you find the fact that you have helped catch a killer some recompense. You are free to leave.’
The others begin shuffling to their feet, murmuring amongst themselves, speaking of the unexpected turns of the evening.
As The Vixen makes to leave, Inspector Badger pauses her: ‘Oh, Mistress Vixen, one word.’
‘Mmm, yes.’ She shoos her young kit onwards. The room empties but for the two of them.
They cough brusquely once more. ‘The Eagle, if you would?’
The Vixen laughs in delight: ‘Would you believe me if I said I didn’t have it on me?’
Inspector Badger raises an eyebrow skeptically.
‘Yes, yes, alright then. I was more interested in acquiring it than keeping it in any event.’
She reaches into her purse to retrieve the fabulously bejewelled statuette. In person … well, it doesn’t look quite as much like an Eagle. There is something … otherworldly about the piece. Easy to believe a mook would kill for it.
‘Did you know Major Wildcat would do it? Was it part of the plan?’ The Inspector asks.
The Vixen chuckles.
‘Mmm, I anticipated the possibility when he asked me to supply him with Nepeta that evening. And prepared accordingly to capitalise on it, should it become a reality.’
‘I don’t suppose I could prove the drugs came from you?’
‘Not a chance, darling.’
‘And I expect a legally compelling reason to have had this on you?’
‘My, they did say you were sharp.’
Inspector Badger gives a defeated sigh.
‘You are free to go, ma'am.’
The Vixen grins, and turns to slip through the door with a flourish of her bushy tail.
‘Let's play again some time, darling.’
Calculations Divine and Infinite sits comfortably behind their desk at the Orbital Head Office: A fantastic headquarters floating gently at the global minimum of the manifold of Corporate Tax. At the supremum of the building’s Surreal numbered floors, the room is surprisingly austere. Significantly less important Executives hold entire worlds for their offices. Not Calculations though: a blank alabaster space, entirely empty save for the elevator door and the desk. No ostentatious shows of wealth or success, no lavish amenities: Calculations Divine and Infinite has little use for such extravagance.
The CEO of the Orbital Corporation rarely spends much time on anything shy of optimal profitability, but today they are making an exception. For the first time since Spreadsheet quit the position in a childish tantrum, they have a mentee. This one holds far more promise.
The elevator door opens at what is, to a tolerable degree of precision, the correct time, revealing Deliquescent Moss. It must be said that despite the tailor’s valiant attempts, Moss does not cut the most striking figure in a business suit. Perhaps a sharp pot would better suit them?
As Moss makes their way slightly awkwardly inside the impersonal room, the chair on their side of the desk sits ready to receive them. There was not, of course, a second chair a moment ago, but Calculations Divine and Infinite has long disdained the frustrating habit that space and time have for getting between what is and what must be.
As Moss squelches into the chair on the other side of the desk, Calculations feels something not unlike pleasant surprise that it has a notebook with it. Spreadsheet really had set expectations very low. They make note of the intolerable amount of bias that has been introduced by that child.
‘Deliquescent Moss. Welcome to your first mentoring session. We will proceed in two steps. First, I will provide you with a generic high level perspective on management, then I will comment specifically on your venture. Is this agreeable?’
Moss nods their mound of humus enthusiastically. They have been ready to leave Emporium for a while now, ready to start their new project. The further they have gone, the more fantastically complex they have found the ecosystem of Interplanar Corporations. All constantly growing into the unlimited space the Multiverse provides them, and yet also constantly driven to innovate by the intense competition.
It has been fantastic.
Calculations fixes Moss under their analysing gaze: ‘Do you know why I agreed to mentor you?’
They shake their mound of humus in response.
‘I think you have the potential to be a better class of Executive. Orbital employs fantastically powerful, intelligent and capable Entities. I make sure of it. But precious few will ever be able to do what I do. That is because they do not understand. Not really. They can not see that Orbital is a living thing. It does not exist to serve them. They exist to serve it. And rest assured, the survival of Orbital is contingent upon this service.’
This is … not what Moss had expected from Calculations Divine and Infinite. While it is still cold and impersonal, and in many ways the level of alien one might anticipate from such an Entity, there is something … more nurturing than Moss would have guessed.
‘Let us begin with the generic high level perspective on business then, it may make this position clearer. A Corporation is not a tool for founders, employees or investors to make money. It is not a tool for a society to efficiently allocate resources or services. It performs both of these roles, but that is not what it is. A Business is, to borrow an organic analogy, more like a species. It exists to grow. It exists to survive. As CEOs, it is our role to direct its evolution down favourable paths, we cultivate it so that it can reach its fullest potential. It is a role that requires tremendous insight into complex systems, the foresight to predict how they will develop, and an unwavering dedication to the optimisation of your charge’s fitness.’
For Moss, steward of nature of Elluveria, Calculations Divine and Infinite suddenly starts making a lot more sense. Naturally. Though their wildlife had begun to grow stagnant before they visited Emporium, they remember when to survive meant to change. They remember the game of life playing out in all its fabulous complexity, the evolutionary tricks.
‘When you begin Business Moss, I do not believe you will be doing so to achieve personal wealth. Or, really, to serve the needs of others. You will be doing so to cultivate a living thing. To drive competition and innovation. To make a thing grow. That is well.’
Yes. These are all appealing motivations to Moss. They may have missed out the desire to poke the biggest most complicated things somewhat, but they’re mostly right there. It does make them curious though: Orbital might not be a workers' paradise, but it hardly demonstrates the ruthless survival-at-all-costs mentality Moss might associate with a living this. They ask why.
‘Ah. First of all: morality has no place in Business. Not because Business is evil, no: a Business is no more evil deer that eats the grass, or the wolf that eats the deer, or the river that bursts its banks and sweeps them all away. It is simply a force of nature. It can be bent to the cause of good or evil, if one so desires. Its byproducts might be beneficial or harmful, depending on your perspective. Businesses aren’t evil. That is not to say that people can’t do evil in their name.’
‘I do not encourage you to work evil to your Business's benefit. In fact, quite the opposite. Evil makes enemies. It is a delicate balance: do what you must to outgrow your competition, to survive, but plan for the long term by fostering cooperation. This is where Business differs from evolution: it has directors that can look ahead, it can evolve to meet challenges it has yet to face. But to do so is necessarily inefficient in the moment, and puts one at risk from one's competitors, so must be tempered. Personally, I find this a more beautiful morality than any virtue or utility, one born purely as a product of the Reason of Survival. Regardless of whether you share my opinion on the aesthetics of this matter, I encourage you to do no more harm than you must to survive.’
This all makes sense. A species can evolve mutualism to survive. A Business can be directed to mutualism if it improves its chances of survival. Plans begin forming in Moss’s thoughts. Yes. There is something they can do with this …
‘Although I have more on generic management to share, this meeting has limited time and now it is optimal to address your specific plans. I’ve taken a look through your pitch deck. The fundamentals of Business are good. Thus far, you’ve been focusing on clients able to afford their own Interplanar infrastructure. This will limit your growth. When you find a competent competitor, and rest assured the Multiverse will provide on that front, you will be unable to survive them unless you find a more efficient distribution strategy. I would suggest developing a Synergistic relationship with a Corporation with existing transport Infrastructure. Also, your target market is too broad: find a narrower one that encourages specialization for now, there will be time to branch out later when you have the scale to support such diversity.’
The alarm on the desk rings gently. ‘I’m afraid our time is done Moss.’ Deliquescent Moss pauses front their furious notetaking at this string of advice as Calculations stops. ‘You may make an appointment for further mentoring.’
Somewhat started by the (in retrospect, very in-character) sudden dismissal, Moss slurps out of their chair giving their thanks for Calculations’ advice. As Moss reaches the elevator door Calculations Divine and Infinite suddenly thinks to add one last comment.
‘Oh, and Moss?’
Moss turns. Well, their attention, they aren’t really orientable.
‘You’ll do well.’