KaREN

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REPORT: PROMISING OPPORTUNITIES

Honestly, The Firm could learn a thing or two from MSN Goods. The sheer glee with which they embrace absolute profitability should be an inspiration to us all. MSN Goods has made an artform of the systematic dismissal of sentient suffering. Absolutely inspired. I recommend investigating whether they offer Management classes for Firm Executives.

HOLD

A profitable investment so far. Long term viability remains in question.

Literally 0 fun.

Euuuurghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghhghhhghhghhghghghhghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghhghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghhghghghghghghhghghghghghghghghhghghgh.

Would recommend to a friend

While I have a friend who might like it, I have to say it is not for everyone, and it was not for me.

Just don’t ask questions you don’t want answers to!

Since Emporium’s casualty rate went down, I now source all my materials from MSN goods. The supply is both extensive and consistent. There are many options to choose from, and more being added all the time.

Safety rating: UNSAFE

I would classify the Employees of MSN Goods as being in “Extreme Peril”

I would classify the Customers as being in “Great Peril”.

I would classify those leaving Negative reviews as being in “Significant Peril”

I would classify MSN Good’s bottom line as being in “No Significant Peril”

I would classify other Interplanar Retail outlets as being in “Existential Peril”

0 / desired number of Cryptids

I was disappointed to learn that unlike some competing stores MSN Goods is not home to any sort of native life forms other than the Employees themselves, and I wasn’t allowed to study them!

I couldn’t even find a weird bug or something. I mean I could order one from the catalogue, but that just isn’t the same. Would not visit again except in the event of a major infestation.

Would Recommend?

A glorious uprising of the workers to seize the means of retail

MSN Goods manages to combine the worst qualities of a malevolent dictatorship and a late-capitalist dystopia. The Employees are little more than components in a Machine to be worn out and replaced as often as is cost efficient. There is no evidence of meaningful compensation or opportunity for advancement. To call their contracts draconian is an insult to Wyrms everywhere.

I very nearly did not survive my attempt to distribute some Union pamphlets to them.

0/10 smiley tentacles stickers

I tried to get in but some horrible meanies showed me a picture with my face on it and said no Ooobs allowed. When I asked them to go get the Manager, she came after me with a bat! I only just escaped with my life!

Also, KaREN is a meanie who blew up my bestest friend :=(≅

S / O ( / S)

Please help! Me any my cultists are trapped! I don’t know what nightmare realm this is. We are surrounded by broken machines desperately trying to harvest us for parts! I think some robot woman in Emporium sent us here but I was drunk at the time so I can’t quite remember how we got here!

Please, think of the cultists. No, forget the cultists, think of me.

If you are reading this please send help!

👍

MSN Goods is everything I have ever wanted in a store. Affordable prices. An extensive catalogue. Efficient service. Productive Employees whose spirits have been thoroughly broken. I can only give my heartiest congratulations to manager KaREN for achieving what other Interplanar Retail Outlets can only dream of doing.

- Reviews of MSN Goods on The Manifold of Trust

The hall is full of fresh faced new MSN Goods employees. This is their first day on the job. It is an exciting time. Yes, there were one or two… irregularities in recruitment and training. And the contract was so unspeakably long. No one reads those things these days though… right? Also the fact that all your name badges have numbers on them instead of names: that was a little unexpected. But working in Interdimensional retail is a great gig! Emporium employees get their wages in Soulcoins - you never thought you'd get the opportunity! Who wouldn’t put up with a few quirks for such generous compensation?

KaREN’s Manifestation takes the stage: the first time any of you have seen her. Well… she very literally is the store, so that is debatably untrue, but it is definitely the first time she has spoken to anyone.

She welcomes you all curtly. A little too curtly. Less of a welcome, more of an acknowledgement of your presence. Now that you hear her, there is something dismissive and superior about her tone that leaves you feeling a little uncomfortable. Managers are like that though, right? Always so busy, never any time for pleasantries. She informs you that she expects great things from you all. Somehow it seems more like a threat than an encouragement.

She finishes her introduction: Any questions.

One solitary hand goes up amidst the assembled employees.

‘Um… excuse me?’ their voice rings out.

‘Ah, what is it, Employee number 7621?’ KaREN asks. There it is again. That edge of threat.

‘I was, uh, just wondering when our coffee break was?’

KaREN pauses for a long moment, before finally saying: ‘One moment’

A spotlight flashes down on Employee 7621, highlighting them to everyone present. ‘Would you just repeat that?’

‘Ummm… well… it isn’t important-’

‘No, please,’ she says, a deadly edge to her voice. ‘Once more.’

Employee 7621 tugs at their collar nervously. ‘Well… I was just wondering… uh… when the coffee break might be…’

‘Now, you've read the Employee Handbook, 7621, yes?’ KaREN says sweetly.

‘Uh… well yes, and I checked it twice looking for the break time but I couldn’t find it!’

‘Oh, you've read it twice, marvelous. Then you must be familiar with the exacting detail in which every aspect of your roles here is set out, yes?’

‘Uh.. wel-’

‘Now, tell me, would an organisation, and by organisation I mean me, with such diligent attention to detail simply “forget” to include a regularly scheduled break?’

The beleaguered Employee looks like they wished they could disappear. More than a few around them look the same way. ‘Um, well, n-’

‘Did it occur to you that there might be a reason you have no break time scheduled?’

‘Isn’t that against worke-’

KaREN raises her voice dangerously at that: ‘Did it occur to whatever tiny, inadequate, excuse for a mind you claim to have that I have a reason for not setting aside time for you to literally not be doing anything?’

Employee 7621 looks around for help. None is forthcoming. ‘I retrac-’

‘Did it cross your pathetic excuse for a brain that I made the conscious decision not to pay employees to actively undermine productivity.’

‘I just thought-’

‘I DIDN’T EMPLOYEE YOU TO THINK, 7621! YOU ARE CLEARLY NOT REMOTELY CAPABLE OF IT!’ KaREN roars down at them.

‘I’m sorr-’

‘SORRY FOR WASTING EVERYONE’S TIME WITH YOUR ASININE QUESTIONS?’

KaREN takes a moment, and when she speaks again her voice is absolutely still: ‘Well, don’t worry 7621. You won’t do it again.’

The poor employee looks like they can barely stand. ‘Yes! I prom-’

‘BECAUSE YOU’RE FIRED!!!!!’

KaREN pulls a lever on the stage, and Employee 7621’s chair disappears in a column of angry black hellfire. The adjacent employees scramble desperately from their seats to avoid the searing flames. Employee 7261’s shrieks of agony echo around the hall for a long time after they and their chair have been reduced to dust.

‘If I can direct all of your attention to the first page of the MSN Goods Employee Handbook. “MSN Goods has a zero tolerance policy on incompetence.” Zero means zero.’

KaREN smiles around in genuine glee. ‘Now. Shall we get to work? Any further questions?’

The Employees look up at KaREN in silent terror.

‘I didn’t think so.’

She has never looked happier.