The Cryptids

“Cryptid is a name for a friend you just haven't made yet” - Leah

“Cryptid is a name for a friend you're not sure exists” - Rowan

AUTUMN: Good-ummm-morning! Huh, I suppose we have that now! Welcome to Unwinterswatch, I’m your host Autumn Oak! Hi!

HONEY: And I’m your other host, Honey.

AUTUMN: So! All around Emporium things aren’t winding down! The snow is falling from our brand-new-sky, but growth continues unabated!

HONEY: You simply love to see it.

AUTUMN: Today we’ll be showcasing the lives of some of Emporium’s amazing Cryptids at this special time of year!

HONEY: Making them a little less cryptic

AUTUMN: Exactly!

HONEY: So, Autumn, I notice you already have one of the Cryptids with you today

AUTUMN: Yes! This adorable little fuzzball on my lap is called a Kerbie! You might remember them from when they tried to eat me last Autumnwatch.

HONEY: Is it really safe to have that with us?

AUTUMN: Oh, absolutely not!!!

HONEY: Uh … alright then.

AUTUMN: This special little friend is going to be helping us with one of Emporium’s newest Unwinter traditions!

HONEY: It is an important one, yes.

AUTUMN: So! This adorable lil' fella plays a very important role in keeping Unwinter so Unwintery! You might wonder, “why is Unwinter so warm and bright, despite that lovely but also very cold Frostmatt?”, and that is thanks in part to these little guys!

KERBIE: FEED ME!

HONEY: Soon!

AUTUMN: Yes, so this little guy has been eating up all cycle and is now subcritical.

HONEY: Yes, viewer, that is subcritical in the way you are thinking, and no, it really shouldn’t be in Autumn’s lap as she is made of wood as I keep trying to remind her.

AUTUMN: All they need to go supercritical is a little festive food!

HONEY: Does that … hurt them?

AUTUMN: Oh, I have no idea! Sure is hard to stop them though! Anyway, the tradition part! Would you give me a leg up Honey?

Honey somewhat stickily helps Autumn up the side of a festively decorated tree, where she deposits the Kerbie in a small receptacle at the top. It looks excited. Or hungry. It is hard to tell.

AUTUMN: All that is left is to give our little helper a festive snack!

HONEY: Should you be wearing the lead apron for this?

AUTUMN: Oh absolutely!

Autumn proceeds to not equip the lead apron, and winds up to hock a small ball of super condensed Dark Matter (wrapped in a pink bow) up to the Kerbie, which snaps it out of the air. Momentarily, it begins shaking violently, emitting a whistling coo as fierce beams of light emerge from its eyes and mouth. It then explodes into a small, contained, nuclear fireball (with a face).

AUTUMN: Awww, they look so happy!

HONEY: I guess that is one way to describe it…

AUTUMN: These days there is a Kerbie at the corner of every aisle, keeping us warm throughout the Unwinter Season!

HONEY: Yes, that does sound like something that would happen in Emporium. So … are we going to our reporters in the field before or after the radiation sickness sets in?

AUTUMN: Ooooh yes! First off! Let’s go live to our Field Reporter Flopsie!

The screen flickers over to Phloupostrophe the Ever Watchful, He Who Took The Meek And Defenseless Under His Wings, Smiter of Fears, Banisher of Winter’s Harshness, Cantor in The Song of Peace aka Flopsie, who watches kindly over a group of dependants in daycare. The small beings are beneath a great tree, surrounded by presents wrapped in colourful bows. A Kerbie burns bright atop the tree, though this one has been sealed inside a barrier in order to protect the delicate creatures beneath from such nasty things as gamma rays.

FLOPSIE: Thank you so much Autumn! I’m here with these adorable little dependents in daycare where we will be taking part in just the sweetest heckin thing: the annual Trick or Trap!

A curious humanoid wonders over to Flopsie’s side and they pick them up and put them in there lap with a soft cooing noise.

FLOPSIE: Now, we all love our creations very much, and we know it can be very hard for them to be away from their creators as they do important shopping at this special time! So here in Daycare we try to bring a little joy into their lives with the Trick or Trap!

FLOPSIE: We recruit a special type of Cryptid called a False Friend to help us! Oh it is such fun! Our beloved Dependents will take turns trying to figure out which of the boxes under the tree contains a real present from the shelves of Emporium and which are a Cryptid in disguise!

FLOPSIE: Now, is everybody ready?

A chorus of yeses echoes out from the little beings crowded around Flopsie’s feet.

FLOPSIE: I can’t hear you!

The excited voices ring out louder.

FLOPSIE: Alright, who wants to be first?

Hands shoot up from among the gathered creatures. Flopsie makes a great show of having difficulty choosing before resorting to “blind” picking a shy Jellyfish-looking creature.

FLOPSIE: Hey there lil' one, you wanna pick the first present?

They gesture surprisedly to themselves with one tentacle before trundeling over to the presents beneath the tree. They carefully examine boxes, running their tentacles across them tentatively, testing their weight, before finally settling on one. As they unwrap the bow and lift the lid the box grows small feet, leaping to wrap itself around the bell of the jelly.

FLOPSIE: Of course, we only choose False Friends incapable of manifesting fangs to take part. We wouldn’t want it to be dangerous for our beloved charges.

As the False Friend sets about toothlessly nomming the jellyfish creature, it tries to flee in a terrified flurry of alarmed poots. The other dependants start to panic, scattering in all directions from the “hostile” cryptid.

FLOPSIE: Oh … I probably should have told them that … bad Flopsie, bad!

Flopsie rushes after the stricken dependant, attempting to pry the False Friend off them.

FLOPSIE: It’s alright! It’s alright! They can’t hurt you! Um!!! This is supposed to be fun!!!

The camera is knocked over by a fleeing humanoid, and the feed flickers back to Autumn and Honey.

HONEY: Just delightful …

Autumn appears to be watching the feed affectionately, while petting a notebook-with-teeth in her lap.

AUTUMN: And that concludes this exciting episode of Unwinterwatch! Join us soon for more reporting on the flora and fauna native of Emporium!

HONEY: And if, like me, you hate breaks, then why not check out our live streams. It is, like, 50% Cryptid-butt, because they sure do love to sit on the cameras, but it is something

AUTUMN & HONEY: Byeeeeeeee!